Self-appointed astute observer.

Stop giving yourself titles, how unbelievably pretentious are you? You narcissistic, grandstanding douchebag. I hate that. I really hate that. You must know the kind of person I am talking about. Obviously they don't give themselves real titles; I doubt you've ever had to exchange [un]pleasantries with anyone who introduces themselves as 'Lord Washington, Esq. Ma (BA)hons'. No, I'm talking about when people deign to describe their own character using the most vacuous language alive:

"Uh, yeah, I'm.. like, er, a piquant observer."
"Totally, all, er, things I say are riddled with a baroque overtone of cynicism and astute wit."

Stop it. Stop it you grandiose prick. I don't like it. I think it's arrogant and unnecessary. Here's a little test for you: Chances are, that if you have to self-appoint adjectives to your character, you're kidding yourself. Sure, OK, why not, if you're allowed, I think I will too. If you're reading this; you can claim it as your avenue to glory - as I am the greatest person alive. Honestly. My style is unbeatable, my animal magnetism, irresistible.

Self-appointed traits: The loser's guide to personality.