Life: And how to take it way too seriously.

Don't you hate those people who take every little thing in life too seriously? "The internet? We must destroy everything. Oh fuck it, let's blow up the world. I hate my life", "The car needs petrol? Why didn't you tell me!? Why do you hate me so much!?", "Washing up!? WASHING UP!? Oh you can just fuck off if you think I'm doing that." We need some pixelated valium for these guys, they've been too heavy on the norepinephrine enemas - quite genuinely, there needs to be a step back, some deep breathing, and some inhalation of reality.

So here it is, let's present the realities, let's debunk the stupidity of the OTT internet moaner, we'll bring borish stupidity to its knees, and kick it squarely in the throat. Esophageal clotting fail? No, life fail.

1) The internet is not a serious place.

Let's all take a fucking league step backwards, get some fucking perspicacity, stop attaching meaning to nobodies - the internet is the perfect place to feign intelligence; to spend 3 hours researching a topic on Wikipedia so you look like you're well read, it's a haven for the dim-witted, and the smartass. If you fall in between those two disparate groups, remember: It doesn't matter, it genuinely doesn't matter. "Oh my god, some guy... like, on a forum, like, totally blazed up all over this shit that I was laying down. So, like, I was all "Jomg gtfo you cunt, you always gotta be riding me for nuffink, then you're all like... whatever, and I'm thinking right, like, shutup, fucking what is your problem? You can gtfo you bitch" - honestly? This makes you look like so much of a fucktard it's unreal. Please don't point out the irony of getting irate (which I'm not, tone, people, tone) about people getting irate about people on the internet. Go blog it, you prick D:. The internet will very rarely offer up a meaningful friendship, very, very rarely; though it will provide you with fleeting moments of what it could be like if you weren't so socially awkward. That's all it is. Immaterial, unrealistic, mindless hedonism at the teet of abstract. You aren't that interesting out in the big, wide world, you're boring. Androgynous. Perhaps gynous. Dunno, how is it? Not only will you rarely forge anything of any note, but you'll take offence to comments made by nothings in some backwater suburb of pretension-avenue, you'll react as you never would dream of doing in the real world. Someone says "lol" at something you say and you flip the fuck out: "DON'T FUCKING LAUGH AT ME, WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM? WHY POST IF YOUR GUNNA BE RUDE!?" No one acts like that in real life. You fuck up in real life and someone laughs? You laugh too.

Trust me: You cannot look big, nor clever, on the internet, however, you can look like more a dick than the guy before you. Sure you can utter something 'profound': "Oh, yes, I love it's propoxytonic stress, the paraplay between oxymoron and paradox verifies the legitimacy of the piece." Guess what. That isn't profound. It doesn't mean anything. Stop trying to sound so wonderful, speak as you do in the real world. Just because you've got a keyboard in front of you doesn't make you a sudden Newton.

Breathe. Relax. Repeat.

2) Trivialities are defined as trivial occurrences. They don't mean anything. Stop making mountains out of molehills.

Stop getting so pre-pubescent at the slightest thing, dear god man, how old are you? 14? Welcome to the world. Every day is a slog. Get over it, get over yourself. The kind of narcissistic douchebag you are is who you are. Sorry. That's your lot. Move on.

3) The internet is not all powerful; stop being an obsequious loser.

See above.

4) Problems are ubiquitous.

Move on.

Easy. Breathe. Rinse. Do it again. Whatever. But fucking shut up, jesus. It's the internet people.

5) People said mean things to me.

Push them in the sandbox then. That's surely a punishment that befits the heinous crime of Internet Slagging? Provide me with reason, please, give me some substance, convince me as to why I should care what this stranger thinks? Anonymous peer review in an institution? I care. Anonymous peer review from people less qualified than me on a subject that they know nothing of (common sense)? I don't care.