You look like Michael Cera.

Well, he does. Here is a list of things that people say that make me want to punch them:

1) "Never heard that one before."

I'm really sorry I wasn't aware of everything that's been said to you ever. Maybe you'd realise that the reason you've heard it before is because everyone fucking thinks it and so they want to say it. If I didn't say things based on the premise that I didn't want to be unoriginal I would never say anything ever. Nothing is original, fuck-ass. Did my flippant remark really necessitate vitriolic sarcasm in response? No, I didn't think so. I was just trying to make conversation, anyway, which is difficult enough in the first place; what with your being so asinine and dumb. Next time I fancy chatting with you - read: never - if you could just fed:ex me a transcript of every conversation you've ever had, and I'll take a flick through it so I know what I should and shouldn't say.

2) "Tell me about it."

I just did.

3) "This person is so untalented, I wish they'd die."

I wish you would die. I can't read any more Justin Bieber hate. I just can't. Yeah, we really should start rounding up pre-pubescents and murdering them just because they've got annoying hair. How utterly banal is your life that you can get so worked up about someone's hair? As if follicles are a demonstrable criteria and justification for hating someone. I think you'll find that they are significantly more talented than you, and you're only saying you want them to die because you're so incredibly jealous of their success (whether merited or not). OHMIGAWD HES LYK 10. Hey, cool. Awesome. And I fucking hate Justin Bieber's music. I just don't get how you can hate something that has zero impact on your life. I know that 'die' isn't meant to be taken literally, but I dislike the association anyway. If you have the want to say that, you probably have unreasonable levels of hate.

4) "You would say that."

Congratulations, you have achieved the following:

i) Saying four words that mean absolutely nothing.

ii) Stating the fucking obvious.

iii) Being a moron.

iv) Pissing me off.

v) Looking like a dickhead.

A fair accomplishment for such a pithy sentence. Yes, I would say that... what with my being me and all. Congratulations. Unless you were attempting to show me how well you know me, which you weren't, because you don't know me. I especially loathe it when people don't know you at all. You'll meet someone at a party and make one off-kilter joke, and then someone'll say something about rape and they'll turn to you and say, "go on, laugh, you would". Would I? Yeah, I probably would. On that basis, however, the fact that you're quite tall probably means that you play basketball. Fuck off.

5) "No way."

Yes way. Hun, I promise you that if I were lying to you that you'd be so shocked as to my revelation that your look would be incredulous to the point of silence. My lies are so well thought-out that you'd never have the wherewithal to even think of having a comment in reply. On top of that, "yes way" is the stupidest thing ever. Except, "played". Stop giving it new meanings.

6) "I was so fucking trashed."

Awesome.

7) "Don't tell anyone this, but..."

K. So, you're allowed to be a knob-end, but if I do the same then I am a rapist? I loathe this, because it's exactly why secrets aren't kept by morons. Why aren't I allowed to tell anyone, but you can tell me? Surely the fact that no one has told me implies that I am not directly affected by the news, and so it's pointless for you to tell me? I don't mind if you want to share secrets, but don't put caveats on the information if you're not willing to abide by them yourselves. Especially because if the information gets out you'll blame me irrespective of your own failures. Yeah, I told a load of people: I didn't care to keep it a secret because I neither give a toss about the people involved, nor do I wish to stick to stringent guidelines set by a hypocrite. Go away.

8) "It was the best thing ever."

I actually quite like this one, because I use it all the time (incidentally, I am guilty of probably all of the above: I am not trying to be holier-than-thou, because I'm as shit as you). I just like the implication that you've experienced all that there is to experience and have judged this - normally really placid piece of ephemera - as being the greatest thing of the lot. That mundane crap, as well, is always really amusing. It'll be something like a cat saying "nom" on youtube, "Dude, check this out: it's the fucking funniest thing ever." I really, really doubt that.

9) "Dude."

No. Really, really, really no. I am not a dude, I am not your dude, I am not the dude. I am in no way a dude. Stop using your rubbish, stolen lexicon on me. It just doesn't work with our accent, or our landscape, or our conversations.

I leave the best until last,...

10) "... literally..."

People must continue to be ignorant of what this word means. It's so funny when people say, "I literally wet myself"; oh, really, did you? I would have thought a figurative urinating of oneself would have been much more enjoyable. "I literally couldn't believe it". Hahaha. That's so awesome. I also like that sometimes people don't know quite what the word actually is, so they use hilarious malapropisms like, "I litorally started crying right then." That's so wonderful in so many ways. Reminds me of a friend-of-a-friend who thought the word "genuinely" was "generally", and none of us had the heart to tell her. Thus, she would often be heard saying things like, "I generally didn't know what to do", or, "he said he generally meant it, but I'm not sure". Hahaha. Wonderful.