Stop wearing your pants like that.
I am not one of these people who hates the 'trend' of 'sagging' (whereby the jeans do not sit on the hips, instead sagging to a different place on the buttocks, see?) In fact, because of my predilection for the willy-bum action I am actually all in favour of this. I wholeheartedly (and groinly) approve of this trend (and yes, stop saying "it's not a trend". Trend doesn't mean "fashion", and "fashion" doesn't mean "good fashion". I wish we could stop getting bamboozled by these really rather simple ideas). TOO MUCH PARENTHESIS. Any way, no, I like it. It's great. The more ass on show the better. There is a line, however, and it is clearly demarcated by what evolution has given us. Actually, thinking about it, there are several lines.
i) No one wants to see your actual ass. I don't wanna see it 'cause chances are it's really unpleasant: hairy, malodorous, and misshapen. The 'crack', by the by, is not in the least bit attractive. To anyone. Ever. Except people who are into CBT, and we can quite easily discount these people as pathologically insane. Incidents, those pictures make me want to die inside. Shudder. No, the sag is meant to show off your underwear, because you're a brand whore, and it's meant to be suggestive, accentuating the possibilities of what lies beneath the voluptuous folds of dexterously woven nylon, cotton, or even silk. It is meant to be a tacit gesture; coquettish and tauntingly promising. Letting it hang too low, however, is none of these things. You are to suggestion as religion is to truth: woeful.
ii) Stop being fat. Honestly, stop being fat. Really closely linked to the one above, but stop it. I don't like it and it makes me want to up-chuck my guts just to get away. That bottomless crevice is a slip-'n'-slide of doom: skating towards Hades as inexorably as man is drawn to Earth.
iii) Very closely related to i): wear nicer underwear. That's like... the whole point of this prurient exercise. You're ruining what should be a wonderful spectacle with your cheaply imported, saggy boxers. You should at least be confining your choice to boxer-briefs, 'cause, frankly, the whole billowing pants look makes you look like you're trying to birth a malformed child out of your anus. Maybe you are. Maybe the whole world is trying to do just that. Maybe I am in the wrong (I'm not: my body is a piece of crap on the whole, but I've got a delicious ass). If you're going to do this properly, which you are if I get my way, then you need to be wearing one of the two: fun, tight underwear, or decent brand, tight underwear. CK, D&G, Armani. It's not hard. Or something fun from Topman. Not just... beleaguered check patterns.
Sick and tired of seeing it. I want to see some nice ass, so please God stop doing this badly. To be honest, we can probably just prevent this ever happening again by imposing the following rule:
YOU CAN ONLY DO IT IF YOU'RE HOT.
And yeah, I'll be the judge of that.
Stop wearing trackies/joggers/billowy trousers if you have a tiny penis.
I don't care what you're packing down there, honestly: it's one of the least important things to me in the world. Just above tact and grace. If, however, you are unfortunate - which is fine, it really is how you use it - then stop parading around like that! You look absolutely ridiculous.
Stop wearing trackies/joggers/billowy trousers if you have a big penis.
As above, you still look ridiculous.
Stop wearing trackies/joggers/billowy trousers if you have a penis at all.
This is easier this way: I just don't want to see your little man shaking in step with you. It's repulsive. Wear proper underwear, for the love of all that is holy. And my eyes are Holy. Or at least they used to be. Sigh.
Stop walking around with your top off: It's 13 degrees.
I'm not sure if it is a British institution or what, but we can probably assume that it is, given that our other institutions range from, 'being rude to people for no reason', 'being unnecessarily aggressive', 'loutishness', 'pre-teen drinking and pregnancy', and 'living off the state'; but, walking around topless seems to be the first thing we want to do as soon as the sun says hello from his 8-month slumber closest to us (incidentally, and just because it fascinates me, the sun is actually closest to us in winter. Not sure if this line of argument is likely to dissuade people from going topless in Summer, but it's worth a shot). I don't care if you want to do it when it's actually warm, but the sun doesn't necessarily mean it is. You look absolutely fucking ridiculous prowling around with your pasty flesh, and I guarantee you that you are one of two types of person: horrendously over-built, or fleshy jelly. Why does no one attractive do this? Why are the most sensuous things reserved for the ugliest people? Stop being so ugly, damnit!
Stop asking me for money.
What do I look like, a fucking charity? I wish I was a fucking charity. That is a cause I would happily support. Just because you've fucked up your life doesn't mean you deserve anything from me. You're not making any effort. People who have hit hard times and then are doing their best to get back on the life-train get as much as I can give. You, you stupid, fucking pikey, you can fuck off, "Can I get 50p, mate? Well, a couple of quid would be great, or a fiver." And what are you going to do for me? Give me a Big Issue? No? Just stand there gawking at me, assuming that the fear generated by your ugly teeth will be enough to cast me into obedience? You're wrong, I'm afraid. Get out my face.
PLEASE, PLACE WHERE I LIVE, STOP SMELLING LIKE SEWAGE.
What is up with that? How can an entire city smell like sewage, all the time? It almost defies belief that someone could have constructed so poor a sewage system. Not sure if the pipes are made of wool, or if the drains are shallower than vaginas, or if the treatment facilities are actually nuclear reactors, or if the people who work to keep these things operational are actually vapid morons of the highest order... but something is awry. Based on where I live I think we can safely deduce that it is all of those except the nuclear one. No one in this city has the brain power to run a nuclear reactor (and that's not really doing any one a disservice; they must be inordinately complex). Hardly anyone in this city has enough brain power to walk in a straight line, let alone get their atoms in a twist. So, yeah, my olfactory-centre is offended. GRAVELY OFFENDED. To be honest, I'd rather this place smelt like a grave. Nothing like the scent of decaying corpse to remind you that you're alive. All the smell of sewage does is remind you that you're not a piece of shit. Which, let's face it, you probably are.
Ice pick headaches are ridic.
The history of humanity is a history of bloodshed, of desecration and destruction on the grandest scale imaginable; it is a history marked by genocide and war, by holocaust and nuclear bombing; by torture, complicity, and religion. Mankind is the greatest threat to mankind, because it's so insensible and stupid. People who still propagate intelligent design should heed the following thoughts, however: stop butchering the language, please, 'intelligent' in relation to 'religious' is patently insane, and stop flying in the face of irrefutable evidence to the contrary. You can defy evolution, natural selection, the origin of species, biology, cosmology, astrology, mysticism, relativism, physics, anthropology, archaeology, and everything else which shows your beliefs to be indicative of genuine mental disability; you cannot, however, persist in your belief when things like ice pick headaches exist. If you've never experienced one then you can count yourself lucky. Eponymous insofar as it feels like you're being stabbed repeatedly in the temporal lobe with an ice-pick. Fucking painful, and fleeting. Gtfo. "My vision, she is swimming." No, she's not, and she's not a she. Any way, they're horrible.
All of these things annoy me. And I would have continued if I hadn't been annoying myself. I also need the toilet. Maybe I'll just go in the street, it's not like it's going to make much difference. Then the tramps can lick it, or something, because clearly my life-blood is what is sustaining their population. Honestly, you want to prove natural selection is a myth: come here and have a look around. Unreal.
And the title of this post refers to a great song. Please click here if you want seductive sensory stimulation. Honestly, absolutely divine. I recommend everyone goes out and buys the whole album, because it's divine. Wow, I am all for proving God's existence at the moment, eh? I will be posting something about religion quite soon, as well, but not until my exams are over. I want it to be my magnum opus; debunking "the whole rotten edifice - the whole profiteering, woman-fearing, guilt-gorging, truth-hating, child-raping institution". Obviously, I won't manage it, but I want it to be deliciously vitriolic and accurate, so it will take some time to collate my thoughts. I also have more reading to do. As for some recommendations there, I suggest Christopher Hitchens' delightfully acerbic God Is Not Great. If you have any misgivings about it then I will point you to the closing lines of the opening chapter:
"It will never die out, or at least not until we get over our fear of death, and of the dark, and of the unknown, and of each other. For this reason, I would not prohibit it [religion] even if I thought I could... But will the religious grant me the same indulgence? ... And as it happens, I will continue to do so without insisting the on the polite reciprocal condition-which is that they in turn leave me alone. But this, religion is ultimately incapable of doing. As I write these words, and as you read them, people of faith are in their different ways planning your and my destruction, and the destruction of all the hard-won human attainments that I have touched upon. Religion poisons everything."
♥.
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Got another mark back: 70 (2 marks deducted for unalphabetised bibliography). So this year runs at:
69 + 70 = 70 (1st).
62 + 78 + 97 = 75 (1st).
70 + 72 = 71 (1st).
70 (50%) + ? = (1st so far).
Love me or hate me, I don't care :D!
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