I was just walking back from the shops when I had the misfortune of being stuck behind two mindless harridans of the school-age variety. Chattering away incessantly next to me, one of them decided it would be a good idea to try and find something on Facebook, via her Blackberry. Now, I am not one to be parsimonious with my spending; I have been known to be recklessly lavish in my purchasing, but I can categorically state that not once during my school years did I, at any point, need a Blackberry. I'm not sure if it was a classic case of skewed priorities, a stereotypical parent-pandering to their adolescent's demands, or rudderless insouciance; but this girl had a Blackberry, and holes in her school trousers. They were also way too tight. I would know, I'm a fag. Where is the logic in giving your child a phone that's capabilities are best utilised in a business sense, and simultaneously failing to make them look as though they haven't dressed in clothes they just happened upon one Friday night? Honestly, it was like a Hollywood remake of Oliver Twist; where the casting is done by someone with a piece of paper that reads, 'Check-list: androgynous stereotype' at the top, and where product placement supersedes plot. Girl, you're falling apart at the seams -- but who cares, there's probably an app for that. Except there isn't, because this is a Blackberry. Unless the parents have callously had it lo-jacked or something I don't understand the need, or the want. The iPhone is infinitely more enjoyable to use: there really is an app for everything. The Blackberry, however, only has a handful of 'fun' things to do on it. There's a reason for that. You seem to have ignored that reason. Also, stop bickering like a school-girl. Even though you are one. Parents: sort your priorities out. If you caved to her petulant request then you are going to get ridden all over the house -- she'll develop into a spoilt, corpulent brat. Judging by her hips and attitude, she was well on her way. Fuckers.
Also, what is up with people who have loud phone conversations? You really think I give a shit about who you fucked last night? You're as bad as people who speed, and then shout about it. You shouldn't be proud; no braggadocio allowed here: you're just a twat. 'Oh, really, you fucked her? I happen to know that so did everyone else.' Where's all the people having phone conversations that go:
'Yeah, so did you stay the night?'
'Nah, I stayed faithful to my girlfriend because I am in a loving, monogamous relationship.'
'Yeah, but you fucked her, right?'
'No, you're an idiot.'
These people are nowhere. They're nowhere because we've been programmed to be ashamed of things we should be proud of, and supercilious about things we should be abashed for having done. It's that urge to confess. That friend of policemen across the globe. I just don't understand the need. It doesn't make you look big, clever, important, impressive, manly, masculine, or any other characteristic which could be positive. It makes you look like a cunt. Which, incidentally, so does your face. Prick.
This douchebag behind me today was pissing me off as well. Yeah, you know, I'm really fucking sorry that I can't do two things at once. I wasn't aware that I was supposed to be the customer and the employee. Unfortunately, I've left my optometry degree in my surrealist's suitcase. You dick. I can't physically make her go faster short of doing it myself, and given that I have no idea how to do it myself that's not really going to happen, is it? Also, what's up with those awful glasses you're wearing? Presumably that's why you're behind me in this queue? To sort out those abortions? Who wears glasses on a fucking chain any more? Especially when the chain isn't even a nice piece of antiquity, or a fashion piece. It's just a plastic piece of crap that makes you look like you've walked off the set of a '60s stunt-man film. Guess what: you haven't. You're in Vision Express, and you're a tosser.
Oh and fuck right off to the person who asked me why 'Thursday was special' in answer to my announcement that I had 'weed myself in anticipation'. It's the general election. It's not my birthday. How could you possibly be so asinine? Your ignorance is not nourishing to me; it's anodyne. Shudder. I love you to pieces, because you are adorable - but that's just a step too far. I'm sorry. I'm not. But there you go. Also, sorry to that girl who I referred to as, 'the one with the rubbish teeth.' On closer inspection, your teeth aren't really that bad. Also, sorry to the guy on my course who I said should 'buy jeans that make him look less like Jennifer Lopez' before he was allowed to lecture people on their fashion choices. I know that it was unnecessary, but I was too busy laughing at your birthday plans to concentrate properly. You say you're not gay, but you have specifically chosen to have your birthday at this place's most recognisable gay bar? You know that it's stereotypical down to its very core, yeah? I mean, the behaviour is profligate even by my standards, and I have no morals. I just don't like seeing people fuck on the dance-floor. Especially two women. Shudder. Remember what you're told in school, and then realise why your vaginal bashing sickens me: Don't run with scissors, and don't fight with them either. Ew.
Oh, and a giant fuck off to having to get up at 6am tomorrow. On top of having to go out and socialise tonight in a pub. I hate going to a place with alcohol and not being allowed to get nice and sozzled. It seems counter-intuitive: if I wanted to pay loads of money for a coke, I'd go on an aeroplane. Speaking of which... If you're a British journalist, stop writing, 'airplane'. That makes you a linguistic philistine, and a wanker. Some Americanisms are great for language adaptation, but that one is not. It sounds like something a toddler would say, when they're not quite at home with how to speak. Someone who has only just learnt the phonetic alphabet would say 'airplane', because the volume of vowels would be beyond them. You've got no excuse because you're not even saying it aloud. It's written. And you're English. With English spell-check. Which flags 'airplane' for being ridiculous and infantile. I hate that American trait of just dropping letters and changing words. I'm all for the evolution of language, but I'm not for the regression. 'Aluminum'. Were you incapable of saying 'Aluminium'? I mean, it's on the periodic table. You can't just change words you don't like. If you could I'd change 'discordant' to 'discordinant'. Then I'd be happy. And a moron.
I really don't want to go to that party, either. Why did I say I would? I want to go and buy my ridiculously blue contact-lenses so I can parade around like a berk (urban dictionary it). I know that I'm meant to be socialising, but it seems fundamentally flawed when it's enforced fun. It's like those awful evenings where someone has organised a pub-crawl, and they try to make you stick rigidly to a schedule. 'Organised Entertainment: Sucking the Fun Out of Activities Since Forever'. I don't like it. It's a contradiction in terms. It's visceral instinct all over again. Oh, and speaking of things which have no place in my life: the weather. I know it's horrendously predictable for an English person to moan about the weather, but it doesn't normally piss me off. In fact, I am normally fairly happy to let it do whatever it wants, what with it being completely out of my control and all (although someone in one of my classes did once proudly, and sincerely, claim that their "raindance had worked"). This weather, however, deserves special attention. It's like a genome that can't decide what it wants to be, so it chooses to be a hermaphrodite. Make a fucking decision. Don't just... be sunny, and then get really cloudy, and then get really humid. When it's cloudy, it should not be warmer than when the sun was out. That's misleading. The sun should carry a disclaimer: 'I'm actually not very warm this far away.' We could beam it directly into people's corneas, just so they can't miss it. Let's face it, they would. Clouds can shit off. 'Oh, you're cumulonimbus? Well I'm a bipedal mammalian of the homo sapien species. People call me human, I'm calling you cloud. Self-aggrandizing tosspot.' Yeah. Fuck clouds.
What is up with shit internet cafés as well? I don't want to go into one and feel like I've stepped back in time. There's a reason that modern technology has replaced antiquated design: it's better. This monitor deeper than my ex-girlfriend, and she was fucking a fucking whore (seriously, I used to call cunnilingus 'spelunking'*). If I tried to carry that up the stairs I'd get wedged between the ceiling and my shoes. Horrendous. 'Would you like to run Office 2003?' No, not really, what with it being 2010 and all. Stop updating Office and only including new fonts, too. That's fucking annoying. Actually, Microsoft can fuck off generally. If I ever have to sit through another advert where some racially-profiled, substandard actor pretends that they're 'A PC' I will rip through the time-space continuum and explode your brain. Move to Arizona, already, I hear they love that kind of thing there. Unless you're Chinese. Then you'd better not. Gates, we get it, you've become a philanthropist. That's great. Stop running the fucking business then. And Job, Apple is shit. iTunes is one of the worst pieces of crap I've ever encountered. It's clunky, poorly interfaced, slow, stagnant, and its only merit is that it prevents you from doing anything else - thereby prohibiting procrastination from my work. And don't even get me started on Quicktime. Credit to them for having the audacity to market such a brazen lie. The only thing slower than Quicktime (other than iTunes) was that old woman I saw earlier. I swear I could see her drifting apart at the edges. She was moving backwards. Laws of physics did not apply to her. It seemed as though she was going to blow away in a gentle breeze. Not that there was a gentle breeze, of course, that would have been too temperate. No, instead there was an awful admixture of 'tempest' and 'still night in the Tropics'. Fair play to the lass; she did in fact make it across the road. Unfortunately, I had aged so far that I had died and been reborn in an even more vitriolic form -- so I wasn't averse to shouting at her to hurry the 'shit up' (I didn't really do this).
And I hate those 'fill in the circles' forms. They're so pointless. They're one of the reasons I hate technology. It purports itself as this time-saving piece of brilliance, but what it really means is that the people involved, who would originally have had to do some manual work, get to do fuck all, other than lifting and putting-down; and the person on the receiving end has to do twice as much work as they would have done in the first place.
"Carefully fill in each circle ONLY using blue or black ink, and ONLY a biro."
Who came up with that? That is like asking someone to have a baby, but silently, and instead of an epidural they just get a mallet. Biros are shit. Companies that become words piss me off: "You want a Mars?" That's not the thing. It's a "Mars bar". Fucking. ARHGHAGHSDIHGSDG.
Fuck off.
*May or may not be true (yeah, it's the latter).
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Here is my newest reply to the incest farce:
"@Fredsta: this is not a religious argument.
@Siochain: mother is a noun.
@Kage: 'might' is not a justification. Stop placing prejudices on their thought patterns, you have no authority to do so. Homosexuality goes against nature, so does cloning, gene therapy, creationism: do we ban these too? Genetic defects are also prevalent in black and fat people; we stop them having kids? These people aren't even doing that.
@Sweetangel: "Let them do what they want, but not this."
@Sarahd: the fact you have examples proves the system we have doesn't work.
@DelilahD: what is 'beyond wrong'? Superduperwrong?
@BryanZ: what is incest at its lowest?
1) No one has presented an objective argument.
2) This is legislation at its worst: only to punish, not to rehabilitate. Your calls for punitive action undermine the very fabric of the judicial systems.
3) Something is not disgusting just because you call it so. Syllogism etc..
There are good arguments against this, just none of them can be found here."
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My comment was moderated and omitted. I have instead been allowed to post:
"P.S. Morality and logic are not mutually exclusive."
I will post my moderated, truncated, altered post if and when it appears.
Here it is:
"I see I can't address people individually. I will just make the case then: legislation should not ever be intended solely to punish. There should be an element of rehabilitation. You cannot say these people 'need help', when the only help on offer is prison. They don't 'need' help, but that's a different argument altogether. The most convincing argument against incest is questioning whether there can ever be informed consent in a relationship such as this.
The pointless arguments bred from syllogism mean nothing. Something is not disgusting because you say it is. My desk is not a cushion simply because I might call it that."
The pointless arguments bred from syllogism mean nothing. Something is not disgusting because you say it is. My desk is not a cushion simply because I might call it that."
You should do this more often :)
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