Technology: hypocrisy epitomised.

There are many great hypocrisies of our age: the Digital Economy Bill, Lad's Magazines, The Government, Foreign Policy, The Police, anyone who uses Google, anyone who reads Le Biblé. Perhaps our greatest one, and most definitely our most un-enumerated, is that of technology - more specifically mobile phones, and social networking sites. Before you all (lol) get up in arms and say that I'm misappropriating blame with a callous disregard for social trends, then I suggest you sit the fuck back down until I have at least semi-explained why hypocrisy is so rife with these technological advances. I think you'll find, once I have explained thoroughly my reasoning, that I am in fact correct: you are in fact a hypocrite, and you're probably a moron too. Oh, and anyone who trolls the internet with the Irony Detector (yours truly would probably be guilty of this, although I troll the world) can pipe down as well: this 'blog' is not a method of networking, or social interaction; not unless your world-view is so fucking warped that your expectation from social interaction is one person wildly berating everyone in the room, whilst the other people sit there gently crying themselves into submission. So, not unless you're opinion of social interaction is the equivalent of working for Gordon Brown. Anyway. That's why this isn't ironic, and furthers my blithe generalisation that you're probably a moron (definitely a moron). With that in mind, let me explain why both of these things are fucking ironic, hypocritical, and last - but not least - fucking irritating.

Mobile Phones

Yeah. I get it. It's a phone which you can carry around with you. I get the needless explanatory titling; honestly, I get it. Oh, and it's not a 'mobile': that's an adjective meaning a form of movement. You can't just drop the bit that actually says what it is; if you want to abbreviate it - though why you feel the need to abbreviate when you're speaking out loud is beyond me - then you can call it a phone. Oh, and anyone who says 'mobby' is officially a cunt. "Yeah, man, your pipe is clogged, your arches are fucked, and your steering is wank". Rubbish. Mobile phones are so you can call and text people when they're not around, yeah? Is that not what they were designed for? I mean, obviously, nowadays they encompass all the things a person never knew they needed: a blurry camera with some inane amount of pixels (ITS GT TEN LOL), the ability to see websites in hilariously shitty fashion (the equivalent of trying to see the Great Wall of China by standing an inch away and staring puzzled at one of the bricks), and now you can even condense the effort required by texting! Now you don't even need to use your brain! You can just connect your gaping hole to the USB/Lan/Bit port or something, and stream your stupidity direct to the airwaves. If anyone asks me what my "PIM" is for 'Blackberry Chat' then I am going to be forced to kill everyone in the entire world.

Conversation with a friend runs thus:

Me: "*Blather blather blather irate ranting for five minutes*"

Friend: *Feverishly texting*.

Me: "Are you even listening to me?"

Friend: "Sorry, what did you juts say? I wasn't listening."

Go figure. Fucking hilarity.

'Yeah but it's the best way to communicate with people.'

No. The best way to communicate with people is what we're attempting to do right this fucking second: stand in front of each other, having a fucking conversation. How could you possibly be so thick!? If you make that assertion then I have to assume that you are devoid of all human cognition, and I will judge you unworthy of having lungs (of which I am surprised to learn that they are able to make you breathe), and will thus rip them out and feed them to my dog. Before it bites my daughter's face. And I stab it in the garden. Ha. Dangling modifiers are fun. People should use dangling modifier jokes more often.

New condition: you can only spend hours texting other people, when you are meant to be chatting to me, if you are sending text after text of beautiful dangling modifiers to reams of unwitting strangers who don't understand what it is you're trying to achieve.

Facebook

Get the fuck out of the world, already. You swirling vortex of apathy. My antipathy towards your very existence is fast becoming uncontrollable, and too vast to contain within normal boundaries. We're going to have to somehow separate a portion of my brain - the part that is accumulating and accruing all this impotent rage - and then segregate it from the rest of society. Possibly within some kind of diamond (or stronger) forcefield. Then we'll have to load it on board a rocket, before blasting it off into the sun. Otherwise we're all going to be engulfed by its self-aware angst. I hate Facebook for the same reason I hate mobile phones basically: people don't get the irony and the hypocrisy. They say they use it to keep up to date with people: 93% of the time the people are ones with whom the individual has daily contact. I don't need to know that you have the shits from fajita night. No one ever needs to know that. Ever. Use it to talk to people far away, please. And stop starting groups. And then if you're going to start a group to be postmodern and retro, realise that your smugness is misplaced and misjudged: stop gurning at your own brilliance when coming up with a group entitled 'People against those stupid facebook groups that have no meaning'. That's tautology (facebook being synonymous with meaninglessness), it's patently ironic (moaning against a group by making a group?), and it's moronic (the title implies that the group serves some sort of reactionary activist purpose. No. It doesn't. It will achieve nothing. It's like naming separate particles of air. Cunt).

Fuck technology.