Wheat from chaff.

How much is it possible to discern from the day you were born? As a grounded skeptic (or 'man of sense') I would have assumed that not a lot is to be gleaned from said birth-date. Apparently I have been grossly misinformed as to the insight you can gain from this kind of ethereal pondering - having taken a birthdate checker type analyser doodle McFlippo, I can reveal some really rather interesting traits about myself; and, without meaning to sound like a self-aggrandising asshat, I am pretty fucking awesome. Oh yeah, a few facts about me, and my shallow attempts to debunk them, because they paint such a willfully bright picture of a woefully bleak character:

1) My 'life-path' is 9.

Apparently this makes me: selfless, generous to the point of ruination of myself, uncaring about material possessions, and one who will not succeed in the business world.

Far be it from me to take issue with the word "selfless", but I don't think anyone in the world is selfless - so that kind of shelves that idea. Had it said: "Fairly generous, but also likes to look after himself", well then I'd be on board. I volunteer for charity work, but make sure I earn a lot of money when I work and though I have been known to spend extravagantly on my friends and lovers (oh yeah, check that plural), I will always retain a healthy sum to myself. Perhaps my altruism comes from always keeping myself afloat to buoy others? That seems convoluted, and hard to read in the mists of plausibility (or im, as the case may be). I care about material possessions, who doesn't? Truly and honestly, if you know anyone who claims that they're disinterested in material possessions, well, they're either certifiable, a terrible liar, or a fucking idiot. It's fine to have a materialistic streak, and it's fine to not - but I struggle to think that there are people who never crave anything obsolete, technologically redundant or obscenely expensive but purposeless. It's laudable, sure, but realistic? Fuck no.

2) Smiling often makes me look younger.

Well, that's... rubbish, in all honesty. Smiling draws attention to my oncoming crow's-feet, exacerbates an increasingly rapidly receding hairline, and shows tobacco stained teeth (who wants me, huh, you want me, bitch.) OK, so it doesn't really do any of those, because I only have one of them (which one...), but it doesn't make me look younger - nothing does, except shaving. Also, I have to smile often!? No, see, issue with this: My material nonchalance, and tendency to compassion for my fellow man surely makes me smile more, you would think - as a selfless little man? Then I look older, it makes my skin look like old parchment, stretches my jowls, crinkles the sides of my eyes, and makes a gravel drive of my forehead.

3) I would ideally date, fuck and marry a congenial and affable fellow/lady.

This is true.

4) I was born under a gibbous moon.

Well, that's clearly not true. I'm a werewolf, that would've been a nightmare birth.