Would you look at that! It's Sunday.

3rd – 8th August, 2009.

Ah, shoot me square in the face; after having a busy as dang week, I’ve not had time to update you anything like as often as I would have liked, as to what has been happening in the world. Hopefully, my recent updates have driven the impetus straight through your brain, so you are unable to resist picking up a newspaper, or gawping through msnbc, fox, bbc sites, etc. That’d be nice.

Well, it has been a veritable smorgasbord of melodrama, laughably stupid governmental decisions, plane crashes, happy pensioners, and one of the greatest law suits I’ve heard of in recent times. Unfortunately, before I get to the lighter stuff, I will start with some of the less pleasant, real-world events.

A light aircraft and a helicopter have collided above New York’s Hudson River, with two confirmed fatalities. The other 7 people involved are also feared dead, but as of yet, the bodies have not been recovered. The crash happened at noon (local time), in clear and mild conditions. Michael Bloomberg, Mayor of New York, has said that it appears that the plane flew into the back of the helicopter, and stressed that an investigation will take place. Bah, I will not be flying over the Hudson River any time soon, seriously guys, put a bouncy castle there instead or something.

Onto hilarity: A New York woman is suing the college where she gained her bachelor’s, after she has failed to find a job. According to the woman, she didn’t receive the career advice as promised, and is thus suing the college for $70,000 (£42,000). As the case clearly has no merit whatsoever, I thought it would be fun to point out a few job seeking tips:

1) Write a good CV.

2) Use common sense.

3) Don’t get “Lulz Nazi” tattooed on your forehead.

4) Don’t be a fucking idiot.

If you manage any of those, you stand a chance.

Big? Small? Completely fucking retarded? All of these and more? Congratulations UK government. Yes, Ronnie Biggs, infamous ‘Great Train Robber’, has been released from prison on ‘compassionate grounds’ (I suspend this lightly in inverted commas because who the fuck has got compassion for this guy?) – and, let’s face it, it was a shock for us voters. Departmental heads backtracking on what they’ve said? Surely not, that’s not Britain. Oh, no, wait, that [I]is[/I] Britain under a Labour government. In case you didn’t realise, it was just last month that Jack Straw, the ‘justice’ secretary, said Biggs would not be released from prison as he remained “wholly unrepentant.” 8 years for a heinous crime. Go us.

From 'Train Tossers', to 'Planes, Trains, and Automobiles' (this, ladies and gentlemen, is what we call a seamless segue). Yes, John Hughes is dead, as dead as Macaulay Culkin’s career. It’s always sad when the talented die young, but it too often the way of the world – excuse the bleary-eyed pseudo-upset, but I just thought I’d try on some Mocklywood-style mourning. Whence glorification is missing, death brings laudation in abundance, from anyone who wants to seem caring. Ignoring the glitterati though, for many 80’s guys and dolls, Hughes will be sadly missed.

Are you old? No? You’re unhappy then. Yes, that’s right; even as the UK state pension age is set to climb up to 70, and the old drop quicker than they can piss themselves, apparently, they’re at least happy in their dotage. It truly is a golden age.

I will finish with the worst kind of schadenfreude I’ve read about in recent times. Australia’s ‘The Kyle and Jackie O Show’ has been thrown off the air prior to an investigation into an incident that happened last week live on the air. During a polygraph (lie-detector) ‘stunt’ – where the participant was quizzed over possible sexual activity, a 14 year old girl, a guest on the show, admitted she had been raped when she was 12 years old.

Her mother, who was administering the questions, is said to have been fully aware of this. Following this tremendous faux-pas by almost everyone involved, Kyle, the male half of the duo, went on to ask: “... and is that the only sexual experience you’ve had?” Kyle has been kicked off his role as a presenter on Australian Idol. Let’s hope he’s also kicked off the face of the Earth too: laughing in the face of adolescent rape victims, it’s the new black, you know.

If you've lost all faith in humanity, I don't blame you. Take my advice: Expect nothing but callousness, and shit decisions. It'll stand you in good stead.

That's just a random update that I posted somewhere else. I'm attempting a rather blaze view of the less publicised stories of the week (which is why I haven't featured some of the stories you perhaps would have expected to see in a weekly news update). Yeah.

I really dislike the weekend - I find it so incredibly tedious. I find the hours crushingly dull, because most weekends my friends work both days, and I rarely work on the weekend. And, yet, for some reason, I feel compelled to get up at 9.30 for seemingly no reason whatsoever; staying in bed would help kill several of the hours, but... alas, every damn weekend (unless hungover), here I am. 10.32 am. Tired. Fucking tired. I could read, but then I won't have the next book if I finish this one. I could go in the bath, but unless I have a real determination to get beyond clean, and thus spend 12 hours in it, I'm going to struggle to kill a lot of time splashing around. Perhaps watch a film. Hmm. I would like to watch 'Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus' - because it looks so laughably terrible. But that'd involve walking up the road, and watching a film by myself; which would be too depressing to do. Argh. Decisions, decisions.

It's too hard. I wish I liked facebook. I see that people can spend light-years insipidly updating their statuses, and clicking on things that their friends have told them to click on. I just find it... shockingly tedious. I honestly don't care what 90% of the people on facebook are doing right at that second, why would I? It's so fucking boring. It's like a dull version of this blog - at least here there is a glimmer of substance sometimes.

I'm torn between which kind of status update I hate more:

I) "X is sitting here, waiting to go out." - Wow. Wooooow. That's 'Booker Prize' winning stuff there.

or

II) "Contemplating the unfolding events in life brings about intellectual illumination." - The verbose carp that says nothing about anything but sounds impressive. Wonderful, so happy we're 'friends'.

I know what I'll do, I will post a rundown of what I've done this week and then I can peruse what I've been up to, to see if my week was tolerable or not.

Monday: Up horribly early, worked until the early afternoon. Work was mind-numbingly repetitive, hardly any new donations, and spent most of the time discussing the sexuality of most thespians with my co-worker. Went for lunch afterwards, that was nice. Came home, went out in the evening, I think, not sure where though.

Tuesday: Did a heap of fuck all.

Wednesday: Went to Portsmouth. Spent £400+. Had a 'bakewell tart' 'Shakeaway'. Felt like vomiting. Came home in the evening. Was tired.

Thursday: Went to work, as above. Went for coffee. Went for lunch. Came home. Went drinking in the evening.

Friday: Hangover. Major hangover. Went into town with a friend.

Saturday: Did all my chores.

Wow. Stunningly interesting. See. Imagine if this was facebook. Every post I've made would consist of insights as interesting, or even more interesting, than the ones I've just written above. It's 'An idiot's guide to making friends'. Points to the biggest dullard.

18 minutes successfully culled. Sweet.