Promulgating sense to a world gone mad.

What would you do if you were in charge of your country? What would you do if you were in charge of a continent? What would you do if you were in charge of the world? Some pseudo-humanitarian bullshit dressed up as altruism, but masquerading with the arrogance of a self-aggrandising dickwad who gets his knob out every 14 seconds? Yes, probably. That's what most people would do. They'd look towards the big picture. They'd make obscenely grandiose statements about the elimination of world debt by 2011, furious denouncements of criminals, self-righteous speeches about freedoms and equalities, about libertarian movements and the decriminalisation of cannabis; perhaps a ban on animal-testing, or faux-contrite pleas to lesser leaders to join hands in one big world of self-gratifying, hollow nothings. It'd all be done with a decent, humanistic rationale, I am sure, but it would always be empty, worthless, a farce. Contrition is irony, promises broken before formation.

You know what I'd do? Common sense law; it'd be my foundation, and my 'building-blocks' (see, I've nailed meaningless language). No, I wouldn't decriminalise drugs, I wouldn't cut tax on alcohol or cigarettes, I wouldn't eliminate world debt, I wouldn't pour more funding into a worldwide free health service, I wouldn't help fledgling schools nor floundering ones, I wouldn't build more prisons or increase security nor revolutionise the penal system to any great degree, I wouldn't ban animal-testing (I'd increase it), I wouldn't ask for peace throughout the land, and I most certainly wouldn't ask Joe-cuntface for anything. No, I would pass the following laws, all are guaranteed to bring on a happier world.

1) Education is mandatory from 3 - 18. University gets more funding, and a degree is given meaning.

2) Misdemeanours are reclassified, and punished less severely. Conversely, horrendous crimes are punished by firing the perpetrator out of a cannon into the sun.

3) Police forces are given greater budgets. Anyone who says "Fuck the po" is immediately slaughtered.

4) Parents are taught to be self-sufficient, not state-sufficient.

5) Standardised testing to be replaced by a carefully crafted syllabus of systematic, practical, vocational, as well as written, tests. Arbitrary testing is to be punishable by enslavement in a POW camp (which... you'll be building, if you can apply Pythagorean theorem correctly).

6) We're moving the Earth 12 miles to the left. Fucking hate Summer.

7) Pain of death to anyone who says "math".

8) Children are educated, not punished, taught, not reprimanded.

9) Pensioners get the respect they deserve.

10) Dogs are banned.

11) Anyone who works for a charity, selling street junk must: A) Be able to talk properly, B) Not be orange, C) Not be the smuggest cunt in the world.

Apply any of those, for a greater tomorrow. Come on, you know you want to. Just think of it: You'd be able to walk down the street, not having to fear an octogenarian looking at you as if you've just spat on her husband's corpse; you'd never have to worry about being confronted by a charity salesman who cannot utter a single coherent sentence; children wouldn't call you a "fkn prik" wherever you go (even if you are one!); you'd never have to worry about any possible cleansing of your life in case you fail those imminent tests on the colour of Gandhi's eyes; people get off their fucking arses to the workforce, freeing up money for other much more needed services (though because of increases in education, accidents are down, as are fights, drugs, and alcohol poisoning); you will never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, be woken up by a yapping mongrel who thinks that 5.45 on a Sunday morning is a reasonable time to start acting like a spoilt cunt that doesn't deserve to be classified as a sentient being, let alone part of 'the greatest kingdom on Earth'. Incidentally, elimination of dogs also does away with the sickeningly unctuous "Man's best friend" crap spouted by lonely-hearts who mollycoddle their dogs into a state of nothingness.

Join me.